nows as good a time to start as any...
The other day at work a girl asked me if my partner and I were in an open relationship. She did this in earshot of a 19 yr old small-town-girl-in-the-big-city girl who immediately and exaggeratedly expressed her opinion of how "weird" that is. Both of the girls prefer their dreams of monogamy and one love and all that simpleton tripe.
Here's the thing, I really really resent the assumption that monogamy is the natural, preferable, default state of human relationships. I resent it as I do anything that lots of people beLIEve that is actually the opposite of the truth. I resent it to the extent that I will not hesitate to shred notions of it when I encounter them. Anything that two adult humans decide to do together sexually I generally believe they have a right to, including monogamy. BUT, I cannot resist pointing out that not only is it not natural AT ALL for our species, the motivations behind it are usually born of the stuff that isn't healthy for any relationship to begin with, jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. I also, being a gay man, know first hand how unsuccessful and unhealthy it is to attempt to absolutely deny what is in your nature in favor of your wishes and emotions. I do not own the lock and key to my partners sexuality. If we cannot communicate with each other enough to trust that we are on the same page and have the same desire to be together then we shouldn't be together to begin with.
Here's some stuff; You cannot spend your life hearing and believing that relationships are about more than sex just to turn around and think that they ARE all about sex, and that your partner should only ever be with you. If sex is not what makes a relationship than it should also not be relationship ender. I am incredibly attracted to my partner, that is important for a relationship to varying degrees, but its not the totality of why I am with him.
The people I know who are the most obsessed with monogamy, other than straight people who have had less experience with a different outlook or feedback on the subject and assume it as default, are also the most perpetually single... and have the shortest average relationships... Once you absorb that you begin to see the picture of yet another unattainable body loathing and self hating goal that ultimately religion and patriarchy has set for our society. Thanks but no thanks. At best you can try to be "monogamous" and end up resenting each other down the line without a clear understanding of why, cheating and expecting your partner not to, or breaking up after or right before all the aforementioned destroys your relationship and trust. In any scenario more often than not you are potentially dooming your relationship to be shorter and end messier than necessary.
being in an open relationship does not mean banging everything all day long every day (not for us anyway but more power to you if you have that kind of stamina, appeal, and time). And for us it definitely doesn't mean that we have stopped banging each other. It has been an enhancement. We have made friends that we like to hang out with and everything is discussed before (sometimes during) and after. I view our favored trysts as marital enhancements in the bedroom, and friends outside of it. We like to tell each other the details about the things that happened while the other wasn't there and sometimes a reenactment is in order... ;)
So here it is, relax its just fucking sex, something we humans are designed well for. Examine your own motivations before you look down your nose at open relationships and doubt their validity. Those relationships will likely still flourish long after yours has become a friendship, a chore, or nonexistent. Its much easier to examine and modify your emotions about something rather than your nature towards it. Jealousy and insecurity rear their beastly heads in every relationship, but the power you give to them and how openly you and your partner communicate is the actual deal breaker. A world run by rampant negative emotions is no place fit to live in.
